Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Crazy Pants.

Lizzy's mom is coming back to our state this weekend. Today I received this voicemail:

"Hi, I am going to be back on Friday. I want to set up a time to see Lizzy on Friday because I am going to be really busy the rest of the weekend with my cousin's baby shower and stuff. Call me back."


Ummm...Lizzy is not adopted. By "set up a time to see her" she means like meeting up with us at the park, not going to her two hour supervised visit at the agency. At this point this is highly inappropriate. The state said that you need to be SUPERVISED during any contact you have with this child, preferably by a state worker.

And, just to throw this out there, a week ago she told me that she wants to go trick-or-treating with all of us so she can go trick-or-treating with Lizzy. I know it is time to set up some boundaries and I guess I am going to have to tell her that until Lizzy is adopted these things she is asking for are not decisions I am allowed to make. My initial response is to just make up an excuse like I am not available on Friday, but I think I have to go ahead and get it all out of the way because she is probably going to try to do this a lot until she goes back out of state again.

What would you tell her?

13 comments:

Maggie said...

I'd tell her she has to talk to the worker about it.

Kylee said...

I was going to say the exact same thing as Maggie! Tell her she needs to talk to the caseworker, then then the worker handle it from there...

Bobbie said...

i agree with Maggie. unfortunately those types of decisions are not legally up to you. You could always remind her that if you are "caught" doing these secret visits that Lizzy could be moved---to someone much less tolerant of bio-mom's craziness. it never hurts to throw the word "illegal" around.

CherubMamma said...

I second what Bobbie said.

Dealing with this level of crazy is mind boggling sometimes. God bless you!

Stacy said...

Yeah I have to agree with the others that she needs to call the case worker, b/c you do want to get into trouble!

Tammy (aka. "Mimi") said...

I wouldn't even say "until Lizzy is adopted." That will just open up an entirely new can of worms if/when she IS adopted. Worry about crazy bio mom then. For now, just tell her that it has to go through the caseworker for the exact reason that Bobbie said. If you get "caught," Lizzy could be moved.

Lauren said...

Honestly....... I would go by her a kite and meet her some where and tell her to fly it!!!
But that might be too mean:)
I agree with others to tell her to take it up with the worker.

Denver Laura said...

'nother vote for "talk to the worker."

I'd give the worker a heads up on your schedule if you have to transport to a visit so she doesn't have to call back and forth to coordinate. It'll also give the CW a heads up that mom is back in town.

Teresa said...

I dealt with a similar situation this week. Mom has missed 2 weeks of visits then calls me to ask if we can meet up somewhere so she can see baby. FRUSTRATING!!!

My certifying caseworker has always said if you have to say something uncomfortable to a parent- Blame The County. That's exactly what I did. I said, "You know, I have to run that by the caseworker. They're real sticklers about supervised visitation, and we wouldn't want to give them anything negative to say in court."

When I spoke to the caseworker, I asked her to call Mom to say no. Mom called me back to complain and I said something to the effect of "Bummer...." I also like Bobbie's suggestion of mentioning Lizzy possibly being moved.

Carol said...

Exactly why we don't get involved with bio parents. It gets messy. It adds stress and as for us, we don't need to add that to our lives. Bios can be really messed up. If they were stable and well functioning they probably wouldn't have kids in foster care. I do know that some parents have come on hard times and they will work hard to get things together and wouldn't have moved out of state.

Wishing you well.

Endless Love ~ Amazing Grace said...

Same here.....tell her to call the caseworker.

Diane said...

First, call the caseworker yourself. Inform her of the request and your availability / willingness to bring Lizzy to the office for a visit supervised by them. I would also suggest you ask the worker to tell mom no if she asks about Halloween. Let the caseworker know you will be directing mom to her and ask for backup that this is NOT your decision. Goal: the worker should tell mom that any visits must be setup through her. The last thing you want is the caseworker telling mom to work it out with you.

Then I would call mom back and tell her to contact the caseworker. Let her know that you are not allowed to setup visits, that the caseworker must do it.

This is definitely not the time you want to be put in the position of supervisor or decision maker of any kind. Approaching TPR can become a nasty time. Parents want to blame someone. Don't give them any reason to blame you because they don't like a decision of yours. Let them blame the state / county.

Mary said...

Yet another vote for Definitely working through the caseworker!