Saturday, June 30, 2012


Just to update on the sib. group of three...

The grandma who "wanted" them (which everyone is sure could not get approved anyway) is not returning any phone calls from the adoption worker.

Hopefully she will be sending out a letter soon giving Grandma 14 days to respond or they will start looking for a family for the 3....

and I "think" we are next in line.

Thursday, June 28, 2012


I have seen Sabrina twice in the past 2 months.

The first time was last month at her 5th birthday party. It was so great! Her great aunt took over and planned her party and it was exactly the type of birthday party that we all throw our kids. I was so excited to see her have a normal birthday party. I also found out that they have some new friends in their trailer park that have been taking them to church every Sunday. That is a BIG deal. This family is NOT the church type and Sabrina's mom is excited about all of this.

I almost cried when I found out all of this. Seeing God take care of my little girl when I am not there to is more amazing than I thought it would be.

At the party we were treated like honored guests. I was introduced to everyone and everyone was very nice. The great aunt told me that she is so happy we are still in Sabrina's life. It was a good day.

Then, last week we got together "just because". We went and picked up Sabrina and her mom and headed towards the mall out by their house. In the same parking lot as the mall was a Chuck E Cheese which Lizzy saw and started getting all excited about so we went there.

We had tons of fun. Sabrina's mom, why still a bit odd, is able to hold such a better conversation than she used to and she is trying to be a good mom. She still does not parent like I do, but no one parents the same way.

After Chuck E Cheese we went over to the mall to play at the play area. As the kids are playing Sabrina's mom started asking me a few questions about foster care. Then she asked me if I had to write reports about the kids. I told her, no, not really. Financial stuff a bit, but other than that I don't really write reports about the kids.

I had no idea what she was getting at.

She then asked me if I wrote all the reports about the sexual abuse Sabrina had told me was going on in their home during the weekend over night visits that she had while she was living with us.

CRAP. Yes, I did write those. But, I lied and said that I didn't know what she was talking about.

I had no idea what to say.

She recently ran across all the old court papers and that is what brought all of this up. Her lawyer had handed her the paper I typed up that listed every thing Sabrina had told me.

I still have video of her telling me these horrible stories that no 3 year old could have just dreamed up and then started spouting off.

This is what has made this whole situation so hard. The person who she said was sexually abusing her still lives in the house. I saw him for the first time at her birthday party.

Anyway, I just told Sabrina's mom that I didn't know what she was talking about.

Seriously, I know it is wrong to lie, and I would have liked to just tell her the truth, but a mall with all of our kids around didn't seem like the place to do that. (excuses, excuses)

Then I get the pleasure of listening to her tell me how none of that had ever happened...blah blah blah. It was all I could do to not freak out and start screaming at her.

At the end of the day everything was fine and we are still fine. Because I lied. I wish I wouldn't have.

I don't know what I should have done.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


Today we went to the beach.

Lizzy L.O.V.E.s her some beach.

She threw the fit of the century when she thought I wasn't going to let her go back in the water, which was not the case.

But it turned into that because, girl, you do not throw a fit like that at me.

Did she not get the memo that I am allowed to spank her now? ;)

Monday, June 25, 2012


I wish I was a natural when it came to being an adoptive mom. I think at one point I was, and then foster care beat it out of me. Foster care has given ME the dreaded RAD and it has manifested itself not so nicely some days...

But then, the God of the universe looked at me and gave me the one thing that would change all of that.

He gave me a biological daughter at the same time as He gave me an adopted daughter. He is using that little biological wonder to teach me how to parent my little adopted wonder better than I would have other wise.

Everyday I want the same thing with BOTH my girls. I want to Have a relationship that will last forever with them. I want them to know I love them. I want to be their mommy they run to with boo boo when they are little and their best friend when they are young women.

Sometimes it is harder for me to parent my adopted daughter than it is to parent my bio kids. She has been through things NONE of us have ever been through. She and I have been through two years of non stop stress together that is just now starting to calm down.

At the end of the day, when my sweet adopted daughter is grown, and we are sitting around the dinner table together laughing about something it will be all the more sweeter because I will know what it took for us to get there and until then I will fight every day for that moment.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


My first foster child was a little girl named Sabrina. She had just turned two years old when she came to live with us. At this time I was not a "practicing" foster parent. Oh, I was licensed and we were officially foster parents, but my heart didn't know what that would mean and so I gave my whole heart to a little girl that would one day not be "mine" anymore.

To this day, well over a year since she was returned to her bio mother, I am still glad that I loved her like she was mime while she lived here. Every child deserves that, no matter how crushed WE are once everything is said and done.

By the time Lizzy got to my house I was jaded and fully expected her to leave, no matter what. She came as Sabrina's case was coming to a close and Lizzy, I am sure, is what got me through those first months of loosing my first daughter who wasn't meant to be mine.

The unfortunate thing is that all during Lizzy's case I was prepared for her to leave. I was ready to have my heart tromped on again and put up many emotional walls in preparation for my second daughter to leave.

I wish I could have that time back. I wish I had known she was mine for the minute I laid my eyes on her. In a way I think I always did know, but was so terrified of loving and loosing THAT much all over again that I told myself she would be leaving and I might as well be on board with that.

She almost did leave, several times. But, God had different plans.

Yesterday I receive her new birth certificate in the mail. One that says I am her mother, only me. Nothing about "the other people".

On that paper it looks like I birthed her.

(This is only a partial post, I might finish it later)

Monday, June 18, 2012

3 Months ago.

I don't know where the last 3 months have gone, but suddenly I have the sweetest, pudgy 3 month old that I get to cuddle everyday.

Better yet, forever.

That little bundle managed to heal my foster care ravaged heart. And continues to everyday.

It's not an easy path, but I would do it all over again. I love my kids that stayed and didn't stay.

I am a very blessed mama...even if all my kids don't live with me.

Friday, June 15, 2012


Where did this past week go?

Nothing too life shattering has happened around here.

Lizzy continues to do better and better. She is learning that I mean what I say, but it seems to me that I have to make sure that I am on good behavior in order for her to be on good behavior.

Me crabby=crabby Lizzy

Wish I would have figured that out a while ago. I make an extra effort to smile at her when she is looking at me EVEN if I was just irate about something she did seconds ago. I really want her to know I love her, no matter what.

We got our LAST FOSTER CARE PAYMENT in the mail today. Yea!!! We should be getting monthly money from the state soon which will actually be a little more than we got when we were fostering (go figure) so it isn't like we aren't getting money for her still (just being honest), but seeing the last check from the agency --- that was VERY nice :)

Friday, June 8, 2012


I got a call for a 4 year old boy today.

I didn't ask all the questions I used to, I just said, no, I couldn't do that right now.

It was a lot easier this time than it has been in the past.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

It's finished.

One Year.

Two Foster kids.

And then this little person showed up on our doorstep.

Picture Removed.

Two more years.

Too many visits.

And four MORE foster kids later...

We finally received our first Adoption decree in the mail.

It is official! "Lizzy" is ours.

Here she is, on the right, with my bio son and bio daughter.
Picture removed.
Forever one of our kids!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


I don't know the technical name for it, but Lizzy has a issue with certain noises and I call it "sensory issues".

Part of it is being 3 yrs old and being scared of stuff she doesn't understand, but she is SO sensitive to noises, especially cars while running when she isn't in them.

Tonight we went out to a outdoor hotdog stand for dinner and then out for ice cream outdoors a few doors down. Both were right off of a main road. The poor kid was totally overwhelmed by the sound of so much traffic and was a jittery mess most of the time.

I assume it has something to do with her mom using drugs while pregnant with her, BUT that may not be the case at all.

She did fine besides being so overwhelmed. I love seeing her doing a tiny bit better each day.

Monday, June 4, 2012


I just have to put this out there.

We are real people.

I write a blog. I change our names. I tell what it is really like to foster because it is not what you think it is before you are in the middle of it.

These are real kids.

These are real decisions that change the course of their lives, for better or not.

When a child pees their potty trained pants because something happened that triggered a traumatic memory from the past, that is real.

When your child who never attached to anyone does crazy things like throwing his clothes up into your light fixtures every day, that is real.

A lot of the stories I hear/read could easily be assumed to be exaggerated.

In the foster world they more than likely are not.

Kids hurt.

Kids hurt each other.

Kids hurt us.

All because in the beginning they were hurt.

It is not easy to decide to parent a child whose genetic history is a mess. It can be down right scary. But, we are real people. We aren't words on a screen.

The other night I called a friend of mine who I had never met or talked to in real life. We chatted about everything. We could act like we saw each other everyday because we have one thing in common.

Our kids.

This is not an easy road, nothing worth doing is. But, it is our road and we just might make it through if we help each other.

You are not alone.

Even when you are pretty sure you adopted/foster child doesn't like you.

You are not alone.

Even when you are cleaning up their pee.

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

Saturday, June 2, 2012


Well, it is the end of an era for us. While I am keeping our foster license open with our current foster agency we will not be taking any new foster cases from them.


We, me and all the kids, went to pick up some paperwork there for Lizzy's adoption and afterward Lizzy peed her pants three times in a row. This child is very potty trained.

I don't know if it was her missing the bio that she really cared for or if it was the memories of being dragged away from me kicking and screaming to be put in a room with a man she was afraid of, but regardless, if I can avoid it she will not have to go there ever again.

So, unless I want to change agencies, which I am too busy for right now anyway, we are done fostering...for now.

We are still very much looking into the 3 children that are now available for adoption. Last time I spoke with their foster mom she told me that she had told them that they would not be seeing their bios anymore and that they would be getting a new family (no one knows who that will be yet). The oldest child was excited and asked if he would have "buzz and woody" stickers on the walls of his new room. She told me that she planned on getting some to send with him where ever he goes. Tonight we went to Target and as we looked around I saw a set of that wall decals he wanted. It was the last one. I told hubby what the oldest had said as I looked at the wall decals. He said, "get them. Even if he does come to live with us he should get them." So, we bought them and I am going to send them to his foster mom for him.

Who knows, eventually they might come back to me...along with three beautiful little faces.


Picture removed.
Any day now I should be getting a paper in the mail letting me know she is mine, forever.