Wednesday, June 20, 2012

First.

My first foster child was a little girl named Sabrina. She had just turned two years old when she came to live with us. At this time I was not a "practicing" foster parent. Oh, I was licensed and we were officially foster parents, but my heart didn't know what that would mean and so I gave my whole heart to a little girl that would one day not be "mine" anymore.

To this day, well over a year since she was returned to her bio mother, I am still glad that I loved her like she was mime while she lived here. Every child deserves that, no matter how crushed WE are once everything is said and done.

By the time Lizzy got to my house I was jaded and fully expected her to leave, no matter what. She came as Sabrina's case was coming to a close and Lizzy, I am sure, is what got me through those first months of loosing my first daughter who wasn't meant to be mine.

The unfortunate thing is that all during Lizzy's case I was prepared for her to leave. I was ready to have my heart tromped on again and put up many emotional walls in preparation for my second daughter to leave.

I wish I could have that time back. I wish I had known she was mine for the minute I laid my eyes on her. In a way I think I always did know, but was so terrified of loving and loosing THAT much all over again that I told myself she would be leaving and I might as well be on board with that.

She almost did leave, several times. But, God had different plans.

Yesterday I receive her new birth certificate in the mail. One that says I am her mother, only me. Nothing about "the other people".

On that paper it looks like I birthed her.

(This is only a partial post, I might finish it later)


4 comments:

Aspiring Foster Mama said...

Read this tonight... "If they had understood the final picture at the beginning, then every detour, every setback, every unexpected turn could have derailed their mission." - Jen Hatmaker, Interrupted

:)

Debbie said...

Really needed that quote here in your comments. WOW!

We didn't love as fully as we should have with our girls but I think we must have known from day 1 that they were not to be our daughters and we put up walls. I pray we aren't able to do that next time and fall completely in love.

I felt a bit odd when I saw my daughters birth certificate saying I'd given birth to her. I wish they could do a different birth certificate for adoptions. Maybe some day.

Pipsylou said...

I loved Baby Man and I love Teapot but I definitely hold something back. I don't act any differently, but it's different in my heart. For me, it has to be. I am just fine with their being a part of our family while they are here. It works for us. Someday, maybe a child will come into our home who we know is meant to be part ior our family.

The oddest part is, I'm not desperate for it. If it happens it happens. I think you said that too when we were talking in the phone that day, that neither of us went into fostering with the sole intention of adopting.

Fostering is working well for us just as it is and I almost feel like a jerk when people ask, "How can you give them bah?" and I don't have an answer.

Does that make me a jerk?

Mie said...

Pipsylou we've given 7 back and 8 and 9 are about to go back too. We've been concerned for a few of them, sad a couple times, and almost all times we've been able to celebrate their departure because we knew (???) they were going "home" (whatever that was), we knew we'd have an easier time as parents with fewer children, and we looked forward to the next placement.
We don't have a choice about giving them back (most times) and so it doesn't make us a jerk to do it. Or to have mixed feelings about it. Or even to only have positive feelings about it.