I have a couple thing to share with you all, but those will have to wait until I have more time.
I don't know how to really jump into what is in my mind lately, but I am going to try.
First, this wasn't supposed to happen to us.
We were not supposed to turn into one of the stories about foster care that scare off people from becoming foster parents - but we have.
We weren't supposed to have a child in our home for 16 months and then give her back to a terrible situation - but we did.
We weren't supposed to have a child come into our home who was free for adoption and then decide to not adopt them - but we did.
We weren't supposed to get told a child was headed towards adoption when they weren't - but we were.
We weren't supposed to not be able to protect these kids - but we can't.
This is not the plan that I started off with, quite frankly I was sure that God would protect us from all of this - but He chose not to.
God has blessed us from the tops of our heads to the bottoms of our feet. We got married young and still love each other. We gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. We work hard and can pay our bills. God has literally drown us in blessings.
But our path to adopt/foster has not been easy. It has not been marked with obvious signs that we will get out of it what we hoped for.
Every day since Sabrina left I have been grieving. Our whole family is.
I cringe when I see a picture of her.
I shake my head when one of us says "It is in Sabrina's room"
I push her out of my head often and several times a week wish that I could erase all of this from my memory so that I won't have to feel it anymore.
I often go to bed with tears in my eyes and a heaviness in my chest I have never felt before.
But, I do believe that this path has been marked with lines. Lines that are drawing out a battlefield on which lives will be fought for.
I didn't have to fight for much of what has been given to me.
All of my greatest blessing have been ushered quickly into my life by the sweeping hand of God Himself. I didn't have to wait for my husband, wait for my son or wait too long to have a wonderfully normal life.
But, this, THIS I am having to wait on the Lord for.
It is hard.
It hurts deeply.
And the healing is not quick but it is there.
So, I am waiting and trusting and waiting and trusting because I know Joy will come in the morning - I am just waiting to wake up.