Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Unprepared.

I have a couple thing to share with you all, but those will have to wait until I have more time.




I don't know how to really jump into what is in my mind lately, but I am going to try.




First, this wasn't supposed to happen to us.


We were not supposed to turn into one of the stories about foster care that scare off people from becoming foster parents - but we have.


We weren't supposed to have a child in our home for 16 months and then give her back to a terrible situation - but we did.


We weren't supposed to have a child come into our home who was free for adoption and then decide to not adopt them - but we did.


We weren't supposed to get told a child was headed towards adoption when they weren't - but we were.


We weren't supposed to not be able to protect these kids - but we can't.




This is not the plan that I started off with, quite frankly I was sure that God would protect us from all of this - but He chose not to.




God has blessed us from the tops of our heads to the bottoms of our feet.  We got married young and still love each other.  We gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  We work hard and can pay our bills.  God has literally drown us in blessings.  




But our path to adopt/foster has not been easy.  It has not been marked with obvious signs that we will get out of it what we hoped for.


Every day since Sabrina left I have been grieving.  Our whole family is.


I cringe when I see a picture of her.


I shake my head when one of us says "It is in Sabrina's room"


I push her out of my head often and several times a week wish that I could erase all of this from my memory so that I won't have to feel it anymore.


I often go to bed with tears in my eyes and a heaviness in my chest I have never felt before.




But, I do believe that this path has been marked with lines.  Lines that are drawing out a battlefield on which lives will be fought for.  


I didn't have to fight for much of what has been given to me.


All of my greatest blessing have been ushered quickly into my life by the sweeping hand of God Himself.  I didn't have to wait for my husband, wait for my son or wait too long to have a wonderfully normal life.


But, this, THIS I am having to wait on the Lord for.  


It is hard.


It hurts deeply.


And the healing is not quick but it is there.




So, I am waiting and trusting and waiting and trusting because I know Joy will come in the morning - I am just waiting to wake up.

13 comments:

Shay said...

I am a bit at a loss for words, as my husband and I are praying about taking the path into foster care/ foster to adopt.
I know of the pain...I know of the risk...and yet- I still want to do it. Maybe I'm crazy too.

Thank you for being REAL. Your blog has blessed me in all types of ways.

Kylee said...

I know that pain all too well. I don't know YOUR pain, but I know a pain that I believe is very simliar to it. Losing a foster child is hard, especially when it gets to the point that they are no long considered a foster child, but simply a child/sister.

Thinking of you this week...and believing God's plan will be made very clear.

Lynn said...

I thank God that I bumped into your blog. So many of the things you write about strike a note in my heart as well.

I also want to thank you for your encouraging words as we muddle through our first placement here in Texas and the aftermath of disruption.

God bless you for all that you're doing!!

Endless Love ~ Amazing Grace said...

How familiar this pain is. Nov 17 will be one year since the judge ruled our great niece be moved and placed with my sister n law for adoption. Since then we have only been allowed to speak to her twice. My heart breaks for her and this time of year is heart wrenching.

Heather said...

I would say that God won't give us more than we can handle, but I don't believe that. No, I think that God gives us way more than we can handle every day so that we will fully and completely rely on him. Lean on him friend, trust his plan, his way is perfect and he loves those kids way more than you physically could. Praying still.

Andrew and Esther said...

Wow. I am grieving with you. Thank you for being so honest. Writing out my thoughts always helps me heal from something.
Lean on His everlasting arms. Think on what is TRUE - HE IS GOOD.
My prayers are with you.

Carla said...

It is a strange, wonderful and slightly sadistic life foster mama's live. I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy to set myself up for this kind of thing. We feel so deeply both love and pain. The pain proves how well you loved. doesn't make it hurt any less though. Hugs for you as you wait for mourning to turn to dancing.

Debbie said...

Your grief and pain are so real. Your comment about God not choosing to protect you from this stood out to me big time. He's refining you in some ways you might not know until you get to Heaven. I'll be praying for you and the family. Praying that slowly the pain will leave but the memories can remain.

Rebekah said...

I wish the morning didn't have to be so invisible, so distant. My heart breaks for you and I think of you guys often.

Keep fighting the good fight. You're making a difference; you're being Jesus.

Mrs. Fosta said...

I will keep you in my prayers....my heart goes out to you and your family. We haven't experience a loss such as yours as foster parents yet, but at the rate things are going - I'm sure we will be sitting in your shoes very soon.

Just remember God doesn't make mistakes, we just have to trust in Him - even when it hurts sooooo bad.

the johnson crew said...

praying for you. you are doing an amazing job.

Tammy said...

The journey is long. If you didn't do it who would. God will use all of this for his glory. I don't know how but he will and you will later look back and be able to put the pieces together. If I was in any of the above situations I would want you praying for me. I know you would from the heart and not with judgment. I am sorry for your pain. I have felt that pain before and it is BAD and it HURTS and I felt all alone. I hope you don't feel alone. Praying for you.

Oldqueen44 said...

The struggles of the foster/adoption path are just the attack Satan has on the family. Kepping that perspective makes it easier to press on and stand for God's plan instead.