Thursday, October 14, 2010

Low.

Sabrina left today around 3 pm.  Her social worker that I had worked with during the whole case was the one who came to get her.
Even in the end, everything is a complicated mess.  Basically the referee didn't even want to see the court report in which the social workers suggested that Sabrina stay in foster care, she wanted her sent home.
There were no services in place yet so technically she is on an extended vacation at her mom's house until a hearing that is going to be held a week from today to see if the services are put in place.  I asked the social worker "So, what happens if they aren't?" and she said, "That is what I wanted to know!"

Packing her up wasn't that big of a deal, it was just taking her to say goodbye to everyone that was harder.  As I watched the clock tick our day away I just got sadder and sadder.
I had put Sabrina in the social worker's car and her and I stood around talking for a minute.  I forgot her paper work so the worker and I went in to go get it and I came out to see Sabrina back in Ben's arms in the driveway.

 I could tell by the look on his face that Sabrina was upset and he looked at me and said, "She was crying and just said she wants to stay here."  
It just isn't fair, it isn't right that they get no say.  That they are a thing that belongs to someone.  So, as I have done so many times before, I sucked it up and put on my brave face and told her about all the fun she is going to have once she gets to her mom's house and tried to take her mind off of it.

Hard doesn't describe it.  Unbearable is very close to a good word for it but it isn't quite that bad either.

I would do it all over again for her though, when I look back I wouldn't change anything.  I have no regrets, I just struggle to understand this outcome.

These pictures were taken a day or two ago, my two girls playing dress up in all my clean laundry that was on my chair in my bedroom.  This was almost a everyday thing.  What a beautiful mess they always made for me.

16 comments:

His Hands His Feet Today said...

My heart is breaking with yours. Praying for His peace... it's the only thing that will hold you up right now!!!
Hugs,
Kim

Kelli said...

I can't imagine your pain. I am so happy though that she has 16 months of love and godliness from such a great family and know she will not forget how much you love her and how much Christ loves her

Jhen.Stark said...

I just found you through Footprints post. I am crying for you. Reading this I actually got out of my seat and onto the floor and just cried! My heart breaks for you and this situation.

I'm not a foster mommy but I was a houseparent and we had 7 boys and the day we had to leave was the worst day of my life and the faces of the boys (17,13,10,8,7,5,2 yrs old) haunt me EVERYDAY! I can see every detail of that day. I am so sorry! I just want to hug you right now!

Kristy - Posh Pixels Design Studio said...

That is so horrible. My heart brakes for S & your family. I didn't think they'd really do it today. What kind of judge doesn't look at the reports? Seriously! That is sooo wrong. I'm so sorry, hun. Love you guys! xo

Jhen.Stark said...

I never finished with hope... There is so much Grace in God! And that grace is covered all over you and all over Sabrina! And I'm praying it this moment and from this moment on!

His love goes beyond shelters, homes, states and our own understanding, and we can just rest in that! As a new follower of your blog, I'm looking forward to reading of your life more as I pray for you!!!

FootPrints said...

i'm praying for you my friend. i am praying for your family as you grieve the loss of this princess. i am praying for S and her transition. i am praying for her mommy that she is given the patience to take care of a child that will be grieving the loss of her foster family.

gram said...

So sad and so difficult to understand. Love you :(

jendoop said...

Big hugs to you. I heard a song today that made me think of you 'Lullaby for me'. It is sung from a mom's perspective. Hopefully you feel the comfort that only God can provide for giving such amazing self-less service.

Faith said...

I'm so sorry. *giant hugs and prayers your way*

Lynn said...

Nothing about the system makes sense. My heart breaks for you and that precious little girl. I pray that God will protect all of you and grant great amounts of healing.

Paula, With all my heart said...

I am so sorry, I will be praying for you and your family and little Sabrina also.

Paula, With all my heart said...

I am so sorry, I will be praying for you and your family and little Sabrina also.

Ashley said...

I am so sorry for you guys. You guys are in my prayers.

Kateri said...

Oh girl....I don't have the words! But I gotta say, knowing what I know, following your journey for the short time that I have, and trusting the God I trust, I don't think that your influence in S's life is over. Something keeps nagging at me heart. Something keeps telling me that you will hold her again. He is that great!

Maggie said...

I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is - the heart wrenching hurt. Praying for you.

Heather said...

I still can't express how my heart breaks for you and Sabrina. Still praying.