Time marches on and grief comes in waves but slows down as the days go on. Prior to Sabrina's court hearing I was a MESS. The day before was the hardest on me. I have a very hard time dealing with the unknown and waiting to find out what is going on pertaining to things that are very important to me often sends me into a tail spin. Waiting to hear if Sabrina was going home was the pinnacle of any anxiety I have ever experience.
Regardless of this, over the past 16 months I have not be oblivious to the gifts and God's Grace that have flowed through this entire journey...even to the end of it and I would be foolish to not hold tight to these obvious gifts that he gave us.
1. I was told I would have Sabrina for 3 months - God gave me almost exactly One YEAR more than that with her.
2. Sabrina left our house at an age where she remembers.
3. I never knew why, but I desperately wanted to have her for one of her birthdays and we did. It was wonderful.
4. The month before she was returned she didn't have her normal weekend visits, we had 4 wonderful weekends with her. These were not taken for granted.
5. We know where Sabrina's family lives and have been there. This has brought me much comfort. If they had whisked her off to some completely unknown place I think that would have bothered me so much more.
6. A week and a half before she was returned her uncle was court ordered into 1 year of rehab or 2 years in jail. This is obviously not a coincidence.
7. God did not leave me with a lack of children to love. I still have my precious son who, as I have said many times, gives me the strength to be able to even try to do all of this and I have Lizzy who is very precious to me even though she is the most high maintenance child I have ever met :)
If I was to look back at all the gifts God gave me while I was Sabrina's mommy the list would be much longer, but here at the end, this is what stands out to me. God gave me everything that my heart desired to have with Sabrina, except giving me "possession" of her forever. It is so glaringly obvious to me now that children are ANYTHING but a possession that people should be trying to "keep" or "get back". Every day I fought for her to be kept safe. That has to be the goal in this position. I have had so many people say to me "She'll be back" referencing her coming back into foster care and it makes me sick to think of that happening.
I want her mom to do GOOD.
I want her to keep Sabrina SAFE.
I want her mom to see God's goodness in giving her her CHILD back.
I want them to CHANGE.
I don't hope she comes back into foster care.
I hope to see a miracle of a family HEALED.