Tuesday, October 19, 2010


A day or two after Sabrina left I, of course, was struggling with all the thoughts that were floating around my head.

"Why did God allow this"

"Why is HE willing to risk Sabrina getting hurt...again?"

"Her mother doesn't deserve anymore chances!"

"The system failed" 

"We all failed"

"Her mom lied and lied and lied...and got away with it"

"There is no point in doing this"

"The system is more screwed up than these families"

"Why should we keep setting ourselves up to be hurt?"

...and about a million more thoughts just. like. those.

As they were twirling around in my head God called me a name.  Yes, HE does that.

Do you want to know what HE called ME?


And this is what happened all in my head after HE called ME Jonah.

Me:  "Lord, I am not Jonah."

Voice in my head that I call the Holy Spirit:  "You are acting like him."

Me:  "No I am not, this is nothing like that."

Voice in my head that I call the Holy Spirit:  "Yes it is, think about it.
I told Jonah to do something.  He didn't want to.  He ran.  YOU didn't run, you did what I told you, but that isn't the part of the story I am talking about.  Do you remember the end of the story?"

Me:  "Yes, Jonah finally goes and tells the people of Ninevah what you told him to tell them and they 'turned from their wicked ways' and you saved them.  And, Jonah was mad.  He didn't like that you saved them even after all the bad things they did."

Voice in my head that I call the Holy Spirit:   "Exactly."

Me:  "Lord, I just don't see how risking Sabrina getting hurt again is acceptable."

Voice in my head that I call the Holy Spirit:  "That's not up to you."

Me:  "Lord, I do, so badly, want Sabrina's mom to see your grace in this situation.  I want to see her come to know YOU because she watched you give her child back even when she didn't deserve it.  I'm just mad because I don't like this plan."

Voice in my head that I call the Holy Spirit:  "Jonah."

Me:  "I am not Jonah!"

Voice in my head that I call the Holy Spirit:  "You are acting like him."

This is not uncommon for me.  I better hope no one that is in charge of my licensing reads this, they will definitely deem me mentally unfit!  ha!

God tries to tell me things and I argue with HIM.  Which, now that I am thinking about it sounds really scary.  Anyway, I am not one to go around comparing my life to Bible stories so I was surprised to be called "Jonah".  But, I have to admit, HE was right.  I wanted to decide that her mom doesn't deserve another chance.  My love for Sabrina has bred a protection reaction that all moms have for their kids.  

I am so glad that I am not the one in charge, don't get me wrong-on most days I would LOVE to be the one in charge, but, it's not my place.  My place it to trust and to pull in closer to MY God.  And that is what I am doing.


FootPrints said...

the holy sprit said it perfectly. it's not up to us. i hate that. but he's right.

Ashley said...

:) During this time I haven't known what words of comfort to offer... I'm so glad the Holy Spirit did. :)

Our Journey said...

I recently found your blog! My husband and I are foster parents as well. We have only had one placement so far (almost 11 months) and reading your blog is helping to prepare me a little for some of what we might be feeling when he is reunited (that's still the goal so far). Thank you for your honestly in what you are feeling.

Diane said...

I commend your attitude and your ability to see the big picture. God knows so much more than we do; I trust He has a bigger plan that is best for all. We may or may not ever understand it.

Endless Love ~ Amazing Grace said...

Praise God you are able to hear His voice this soon after S has left....to hear his voice above all the pain. To God be the glory.

mamamargie said...

Excellent post and so true! God called us to have an open adoption and I so struggled with that. I wanted to be the mama. I didn't want to have to deal with a birth-mother/family that had messed up. But God kept at me, pointed out that I was no perfect angel myself, and voila! We have an open adoption and I couldn't be happier. God loves all of us so much!

Lynn said...

I love all that you have to say here! God's words to you are so true!

I also must admit that I love the fact that you argue with God. I do too. (It drives my husband crazy sometimes.) But when I'm having those kinds of discussions with God, I learn so much so fast.

God is so good and so wise. And so are you to continue to trust in Him!

Kelli said...

Well, that made me cry. I was just thinking about how I am too quick to justify my feelings or anger, but that's not my place. God is in control and I HAVE TO trust Him totally. Isaiah was singing "how you love I'll love, how you serve I'll serve, I will follow you" it the car today and it was a smack in the face. I am not loving people or serving people like Christ.....
I love your honest and open way of communicating what God is doing in your life through this. I makes me look at things in my life differently and God reveals areas of my life through this