Thursday, December 8, 2011


This whole bio parent thing is not something my husband and I agree on. I don't think he is wrong, I just think that I am closer to that part of Lizzy's life so it is different for me than it is for him.

My husband is disgusted by their actions. He has every right to be. Bio mom, for example, could come see Lizzy every week if she wanted to, but she doesn't. That is her choice. Based on this, my husband cannot understand why it is then on us to make special allowances for her to see Lizzy at other times if she doesn't even care enough to show up to the other visits.

He is right.

Yesterday when I called him to ask if he would totally be against me letting them see her for her birthday/Christmas he was not at all thrilled with this idea. He has a very hard time making allowances for people who truly make no effort towards this child that he now feels like is HIS child.

He is right.

By the end of the conversation I told him that I needed time to think about if I really wanted to try to get him to agree to this because it is always me asking him to change his stance and that didn't seem fair and maybe I was wrong. At that point he decided to agree to a party at McDonalds for an hour. That seemed more than fair to me.

I only tell this story because I am sure that there are other people in situations like ours that have to deal with this stuff within their marriage as well. It is hard to lobby against your own husband for people who have not earned it. It is hard, as a husband I am sure, to watch people use and abuse your wife and her sympathy for them AND watching those same people not think about their biological child that lives with you as your daughter.

I can tell that my husband and I will never be on exactly the same page, but I think that we do balance each other out in this situation. He is the voice of reason and I am the easily manipulated voice of compassion. I need him and he needs me.


Pam said...

and there you have it :)
making sure your strengths keep you together as a unified front, balanced and strong.
Love you guys!

Rachael said...

My husband and I are certified and waiting for our first placement. We had a similar conversation yesterday - not about foster kids and their parents, but about family who stay with us every time they're in town. We love them very much, and love our time together, but they routinely disrespect the boundaries we've set for how our house runs. My husband gets very frustrated, and I have been taking the path of least resistance and rearranging how WE do things instead of setting firmer boundaries. I have to have a difficult (for me) conversation with my family member tonight, because you're right: it's not fair that my husband is the one who always has to compromise.

I know it's totally not the same thing, but it's good to be reminded that I'm not the only one in a situation like this.

Mama P said...

Your husband and my husband need to be friends, lol. We just had this same conversation over me letting a biomom keep a carseat I had "loaned" to her, because I found out that she really is using it (which thrills my soul).

If Lizzy's bioparents haven't come to the visitations, do you think they'll actually show up for the party? Is it closer to where they are?

MamaFoster said...

it is very close to mom who I think will come. it is also very close to our home so if they don't show it will just be another trip to mcdonalds.

bio dad will probably come. he is having car issues but i think he will try to get there. i will tell him that he can invite his sister who maybe will want to come and she has a good car.

i think mom will come, if not, at least they had their chance.

and i understand about the car seat :)

Rebekah said...

It's good to have balance. My hubby and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things foster/adoption related, but the differences offer good perspective that I'm thankful for!

Denver Laura said...

I think your husband might like some concrete numbers for you to argue your case. How many visits outside of CPS have you had? Inside CPS, the bio-parents are highly scrutinized. It might be intimidating for them so they skip it. plus, a birthday/christmas visit might actually give them an incentive to show up. And having it as McD's is low pressure.

You could pitch it to your husband like if there are behavior issues post-visit, you'll agree to stop community visits for x# months. After x% of supervised visits actually made by parents, you'll reconsider.

T said...

Sounds a lot like us...but I am see that you are equally thankful to have a voice of reason that you trust so much. I would easily allow people to manipulate me too much without mine :-)

Pipsylou said...

You describe the relationship between Scott and I so perfectly. ;)