Saturday, December 17, 2011


Today is Lizzy's birthday, her second birthday that she will celebrate in foster care...technically. She is here at home with us and was for the 2nd one too, so at least her memories will not be tied up in paperwork like my memories are.

Today, her bio mom called to talk to her.

I am a coward.

I had my husband call her back and say, "Here, you can say happy birthday to Lizzy and then I need to talk to you." He let her talk to Lizzy and then told her what the lawyer and social worker told me...that there is to be no more contact.

I listened from behind a closed door and my heart raced. Her mom acted like it was nothing and said ok. I know she probably got off the phone and cried. She has had to act so tough her whole life and she holds it in until she explodes.

Then my husband called her bio dad. He told him what was going on and bio dad kept trying to say that it didn't apply to him because he wasn't part of this case. My husband said that regardless of anything we will not be jeopardizing Lizzy's life (getting moved to another home or things of that nature) by doing things that the lawyer and social worker told us not to because we have to do what is best for her. Bio dad acted as though he didn't understand...which he doesn't. He thinks the most important thing is for Lizzy to be able to see him...or maybe the opposite, for him to be able to see Lizzy.

From day 1 this is the issue that my husband has had with them. They are willing to risk Lizzy's life being flipped upside down so that THEY get what they want. They don't focus on what is best for her, keeping her safe and with people she knows, it is about them.

It is so hard because I would let them see her, but is that worth risking Lizzy loosing everything she knows as normal? Loosing everyone that she loves? They just don't get it.

I told my husband that I was sorry that I planned the party, especially after him not wanting to. I am glad that it presented the opportunity to HAVE to tell them how things were going to HAVE to be. I never dreamed that the lawyer would call me up and tell me that none of them were allowed to see her. I thought visits would go on until TPR.

What a sad day to have to hear all of that. Can you imagine on your child's birthday you hear that you cannot see her.

So much heartache.


CherubMamma said...

My heart breaks for Lizzy.

As for the whole birthday thing - I was blown away when my little Dolly turned four years old and her own mother didn't even recognize the birthday. She had a visit relatively close to the date and I don't think her mother said a thing about it.

I'm not expecting a thing for Dude when he turns three in a couple weeks. (Especially since Mom is in court ordered rehab and isn't even seeing her kids. At least not yet.)

It's heartbreaking but I'm glad Lizzy is with you!

Diane said...

You are doing what is best for Lizzy at this time. Her parents are adults, whether they act like it or not. It is sad, but virtually all of their own doing. Who knows what the future holds with them, but at least you know the plan for Lizzy's future. You didn't make this decision; the court did. Don't stress too much. The parents will probably get over it faster than you can imagine.

Endless Love ~ Amazing Grace said...

The parents have had so much time to make strides at getting it together and poor Lizzy has had to sit in limbo ( unknowingly thank God). I'm so glad to hear of a court making a good decision.

It is a shame that the news had to be delivered on her birthday. However, if the parents had attended court they would have already known.

Lizzy is so very blessed to have you and your husband that ARE putting her FIRST. Hats off to you:)

Felicia said...

I am amzed that they stopped visits. Here they do visits all the way up until TPR. As a foster parent we have no control over decisions the court makes. It is for the best interest of Lizzy.

Pipsylou said...

I'm not sure how this was you being a coward.

This was you standing up for Lizzy.

No, you *can't* risk having her put in another home. Yes, it's sad that they don't get that, but look at the mess they've made of her life thus far.

You did the right thing.

Rebekah said...

This is all so heavy and sad. It makes me want to run the other way, but I just can't seem to turn around...

La Mama Loca said...

My daughter Goofy Girl last saw her bio mom after her 4th birthday, all four of which had been spent in foster care. TPR had been started (again) and the visitations were up to us. Bio mom asked if she could have a little party for her and we said yes. It was then that she wanted to know again what an open adoption could look like. We had a great time and probably the best that bio fam ever acted at a visit. The next visit was set up for the next week but bio mom got evicted. We saw her one more time a few months later when she signed consents and that was the last we've heard or seen her in over 2 years. Thankfully Goofy doesn't know that she last saw her around such an important time. She never knew bio mom as anyone other than the lady she went to play with every so often. She'd been with us since 14 mos old. Thankfully their adoption was done before her 5th birthday.