Monday, February 14, 2011


I knew that most, if not all of you, would think that I should report those things-at least some of them.

I don't disagree.

I also stick with comments I made that these things don't matter to people in authority.

I have already had almost all these SAME issues with Sabrina's mom. I have been there and done that and here is how the story goes:

Medication: They (the bio parents) take it when they feel like it and that is good enough for everyone (but me). They always have an excuse ("I left it at home while I was spending the night at a friend's house") and that is the end of it.

Fighting: If there is no police report "it never happened". Just ask the detective on Sabrina's case or her lawyer.

Heating the house: Maybe I should have been more specific. She said that they warm up the house this way along with space heaters they have all over the house. This stuff is up to the social worker to deal with when she does the home study. In the mean time all there is for even the social worker to do is to ask them not do that while Lizzy is there. I may even do that myself.

These things seem like big deals, especially when you are new to this like I was with Sabrina, but they are not. Sabrina's lawyer said it best, "If we were deciding on who was best for the child, the foster family would almost always win, but we are not. We are not expecting these people to turn into "The Clevers", they got their kids taken away for a reason."

Notice he never could get himself to say that the bio family needed to be actually capable of raising, caring for, or protecting the child.

Then he went on to tell me about a child who died after they were returned to their bio family. He said, "We don't have a crystal ball, we don't know what these people will do, but we have to give them a chance."

So, I hate to reiterate it, but yes, I am jaded and I know that kids go home even when they shouldn't. Even when you do everything you can. Even when you will end up questioning God about it everyday there after.

Someday I will see the whole picture, today I am just taking care of my kids and if something arrises that needs to be reported I absolutely will report it, unfortunately I know these are not those things. At least where I live and with the people I am forced to work with.


Carol said...

I would love to say that you are mistaken, but truth be known, you are right. The things that you have mentioned "are not bad enough." We had an attorney tell us recently that it isn't a matter of where the child would get the best care, or education, or be given the best chance to succeed in life. And I guess that I can almost see it no matter what my heart wants.

We as a society can not dictate someone else's lifestyle and how they raise their children. We cannot force on them our middle class educated lifestyle and if they don't live the way we think they should we can't take their kids away. There are certain things that are inalienable rights I guess. Where do we stop dictating to others?

Someone doesn't like, say, that I let a child climb on something that someone else thinks is unsafe? I don't believe in gating stairs (I do, just say I don't)?

We have a sibling group, brother and sister (age 1 and 2--The 1 yr old has been with us since she was 2 days old)The mother will be having her rights terminated (she is a prostitute and drug user)The father is not a bio dad to either child. He did sign the boy's birth certificate. He has NO rights to the girl. He did not sign the birth certificate. He failed a DNA test. She is almost 13 mo old and they are still talking about letting him sign some paper and with that get parental rights. (That one will not go unnoticed. We have consulted with a private attorney and she concurs that an adoption would be necessary) OK! Now the clincher. The man is an illegal alien who walked across the border and is not eligible for a green card or citizenship and if caught should be deported AND they are still trying to return these kids to him.

I do not like the system. I do not agree with a lot of what they do. I don't like that they don't live within their own rules. I Really really don't like that any kids have to suffer.

Pipsylou said...

Amen. Preach it, Mama Foster. Prior to being a foster parent I would have disagreed with your decision. Now, I see how the system works and I agree.

Our job as foster parents is to love on the kids.

Keep on keepin' on. It really does help my heart to know someone else "Gets it".

Debbie said...

I appreciate your honesty. You continue to help me keep my rose colored glasses in the drawer as we wait to be licensed.
I am sorry that it is this way but you know what they'll listen to and what they won't. I would assume that the less you report the more serious they might take the things you do report, maybe.

Heather said...

Thank you very much for this post.

Diane said...

The catch phrase here is "minimally adequate". That's all the bio-parents have to be, and it is often the case manager's discretion. So, depending on how good (or bad) the case manager is and how much pressure he/she is getting to close the case... You get it. It still SUCKS!

Damaris @Kitchen Corners said...

It must break your heart to feel like you're not in control. I really admire you and Foot Prints and everyone one who is a Foster mom.

Ashley said...

The sad truth is that you're so right. :( Meds, she can say she is taking them, fighting, where's the proof? Heaters/ social worker should be able to clearly see.

However, now that I've put on my rose colored glasses :)... the woman who taught my class told us to think of foster care as not only a ministry to the kids, but to their bio families as well. Maybe she just needs some education and encouragement. She already thinks you're bffs. :) give her some friendly advice. 1) don't fight 2) don't heat with an oven 3) take your meds! simple right? :-)

Heather said...

Uggggh. I guess it's a pick your battles kind of deal. Thank you for further educating me on how jacked up the system is.

Penelope said...

It's so tough to watch a child go back to a dysfunctional life! We amazingly fought the system, spending a ton in legal fees, but will one day adopt our Lil Bit. I believe if the child had a voice, she would choose a different family.