Thursday, December 2, 2010

Intentions.

A lady whose heart I love very much left me this comment:

Now, so this isn't taken out of context,  I NEED you to know that this lady is an awesome adoptive mom who ALREADY has answered God's call to the orphan.  Even if she was never to foster she has already taken on the call to care for the least of these in the way God asked her to.  My comments after this are not for just her, they are for me and all of you too.  Because this is exactly what I was afraid of.

I think I have mentioned before that I started blogging about my journey in foster care in hopes that I would show other people what a need there was for us REGULAR people to start standing with these kids and walk with them through the hardest days of their lives.

I wanted to show people how awesome the kids were, how loving them comes easily and how they change you.  If you have ever seen The Blind Side you have heard the quote, "You are changing that boy's life" to which she says, "No, he's changing mine."  And it is true, you go into this to "change their lives", but really, they end up changing yours.  They give you a look into the eyes of Jesus - you see the very heart of what we as a church are meant to do.

I also wanted to show you that it was doable.  That God would spare us the pain because we had done what HE called us to do.  What I didn't know is that that was not the lesson God planned on teaching me.  I truly did think that God would spare us.  I thought that He, at the least, would let us keep the first one because, you know, He kinda owed us.  We had inconvenienced our lives to help others so that is the least HE could do for us, right?

Does all that sound as horrible to you as it does to me?  The embarrassing thing is I was the one thinking it and, quite frankly, banking on it.


Well, if you know our story, it did not happen that way.  The VERY thing we were scared to death would happen happened.  

And it hurt.

And I still cry.

And I still ask God why.


But, and this is a very important BUT - God did not do this to hurt me.  He did not give me more than I could handle, and He didn't forget to take care of us.

God has taught us all so much through each one of our kids.  Our kids are bright shiny spots in our memories that I would never change.  I thank God that we ever got take care of these children and I would do it all over again.  I don't want you to miss that.  I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.  See, that is coming from the woman that got hurt when she did what God asked her to do.  And, I mean it.  

And, God did not leave me with nothing.  He did quite the opposite.  God made sure that I had another little girl that needed me very badly.  And I needed her VERY badly too.  Lizzy didn't know how to trust a mom because she didn't trust her biological mom.  We didn't connect right away because I was a woman and she liked men because her daddy had always been the one to take care of her.  So, as God nursed a Sabrina size hole in my heart by filling some of it with Lizzy - God also filled Lizzy's mommy size hole with me.

Lizzy and I couldn't be more different, but God knew we needed each other for this part of our lives.  I can see the healing in Lizzy when it comes to her mom.  She used to look right through her bio mom like she was a ghost that Lizzy didn't care one bit about.  Now, she hugs her mom and tells her "woves you" (love you )  because that is what we show her at home.  And Lizzy, well, when I look at her I see the little girl that God used to heal my heart.  I know if Lizzy wouldn't have already been here I would have quit.

God had a plan.  God has a plan.

And despite any heartache WE may feel, these kids still have to go through this whether we decide to or not.  We all have SO much to offer and it is tragic to have a wonderful life and not share it.  How everyone decides to do that is up to them.


9 comments:

Lynn said...

Our first placement in TX was horribly difficult. It messed with us as parents. It messed with our legal kids. We wondered if we were doing the right thing.

We know that God called us to this. Still...we questioned.

Your last paragraph summed up why we're going to keep on doing this. Even though we know that our placements will be difficult. Even though we know the system is broken. Judges are corrupt. Social workers make mistakes. "These kids still have to go through this whether we decide to or not."

That's powerful stuff and just the reason we're going to keep on fostering!

Thank you for continuing to share your story.

Kylee said...

I love this post.
I've learned a few things over the past 10 years, one of them being "It never gets easier". It still hurts when a child you love as your own, leaves your house. It hurts every single day. BUT, would I really want God to make it easier? Do I really WANT him to spare me that heartache? It is in our weakness that He finds us, and I have found that my relationship with my Savior strengthens tremendously when I am being tossed and turned.
It hurts. It's hard, but I can't say I would change that...because sometimes the pain that God puts in my life ends up being part of the painting to a beautiful, beautiful picture of His LOVE for me!
praying for you...and thanking the Lord that there are people like you that are willing to lay everything aside to follow God's calling. I appreciate you!

myhopefulheart said...

Thanks for sharing! I could have written that comment, so it really hit home.

Glenda said...

What a great post thank you so much for sharing.

mamamargie said...

Powerful post! Especially this part, "And despite any heartache WE may feel, these kids still have to go through this whether we decide to or not. We all have SO much to offer and it is tragic to have a wonderful life and not share it." Wow!

Kateri said...

I agree...the last paragraph is powerful! And motivating! Thank you again for another great post. I love this one...think it might be one of my favorites!!! Your honesty blows me away. So many of us have those same thoughts, visions, beliefs about how things will go once we fost or adopt. But very few of us are willing to admit that sometimes we are just kidding ourselves. And often we are delusional ;) I'm kidding (kind of)...but our view of life after opening our hearts and homes to His children is often a little "off" the mark.
Again, love how raw and open and authentic you are with us and yourself. And by the way, I love your little heart too :)

Mrs. Fosta said...

Thank you so much for this post. Although, I knew in my heart every word that you've said is true - just hearing it from someone else has really made a difference to me.

With everything going on with our current placements, I admit that we have been questioning if we can really continue to do this. I know it's not about us at all, but it hurts so much to just sit back and helplessly watch these poor babies go through this. I know that we must drive on and fight the good fight for them.

La Mama Loca said...

I must agree, this was a great post! You've said the same things we've said. We always get questions about why we didn't just give up when things got difficult with the kids. How we could keep going for over 3 years with no end in sight? Yet, it was like we were in too deep. We knew that no matter what happened, if they stayed or if they went, we'd praise God for every minute we were blessed to be their parents.

Thank you for sharing your story!

Debbie said...

Your posts don't send me running for the hills away from fostering. They help prepare me and take off my rose colored glasses on somethings. I truly appreciate your honesty in your posts with your emotions.