Monday, November 21, 2011

Sees.

Having a child in your home that you love and hope to adopt is interesting. It is also interesting that that same child is the one that usually embarrasses you in public at least once while you are out and at least once a week you are one step away from sending them to live with the traveling circus people.

I am not a fan of talking about the difference between biological and adopted children, because to some people there truly is no difference. Some people love all the kids the same way. Maybe we all do...maybe loving each child is it's own thing all together.

But, in my own experience, I guess loving all my kids has led me to learn different things about my self and about how God loves me. Take my oldest biological son. Once he was born and I became a mother I could relate to how much of a sacrifice it really was for God to send Jesus to be killed on the cross...for me. It is unimaginable quite honestly. Loving my son is like breathing, it is that natural. I know for many many many people that is how it is with their kids, no matter how they came to them.

When I think about knowingly sending my son to accomplish a task like God told Jesus to it make me want to scream and cry and say "No! I will go! Leave him out of it." If ever there was a person I was willing to lay my life down for it is him. He taught me to be a mother.

After my sweet first born came my first foster daughter Sabrina. I fell in love with her the minute I saw her. But, there was a time before she came to live with me where I got the very strong urge to say "I don't know if I can do this." It was for a very superficial reason...her rear end is extremely deformed and when I saw her foster mom change her diaper I was basically scared of what I saw. Long story short, I fell in love with that child and her little deformed rear and ended up thinking it was as cute as she was. I walked through fire for that little girl and would do it all over again. She was one of those kids that foster care truly tortured. She was being pulled between two families she loved. As soon as she was settled in one it was time to go to the other. It made a lot of her behavior not so lovable and even though I will love her forever, I wasn't meant to be her Mommy. It kind of reminds me of how God must feel when one of us decides to reject Him. He never stops loving us, but He doesn't get to take care of us either.


And then there is Lizzy, my third foster child. My husband and I intend on adopting Lizzy if we are offered the opportunity. My love for her is growing into an unconditional love, but it is not as easy as my love is for my biological son...it teaches me something very different. When God looked at Jesus, I assume looking at him was like looking at a piece of himself and "loving him was like breathing". With Lizzy, I look at her and see what God must see when He looks at me. An out of control little mess that doesn't listen, talks too much, throws fits constantly and quite frankly probably embarrasses Him at least once a day. But, He loves me anyway.

I love Lizzy anyway.

I look at her and I see everything that is "undesirable" and every day I decide that it doesn't matter, because I love her. When Jesus died for us He took every undesirable thing about us and covered us in His righteousness so that when God looks at us He sees His Son...His Son that is so easy to love it is like breathing. He doesn't see what a little messy, loud, selfish person I am. That is how it is becoming with Lizzy. That same love that God has show me is covering my eyes and heart so that all I can see when I look at Lizzy is how much God loves HER. He loves her the same as He loves me. Probably a little bit more because I am old enough to know better and she isn't. :)

Our kids teach us so much. No matter how they come and what the situation is that they came from, they are little messy gifts (just like we all are) waiting for God to clean them up. Some day loving Lizzy will be as easy as breathing. Even if she keep embarrassing me in public every time we go out :)

11 comments:

CherubMamma said...

Absolutely beautiful!!!!

Bobbie said...

lovely
:)

Mary said...

What Poignant analogies. Thank Goodness that because of God's unconditional love and grace He loves ALL His children- ESPECIALLY us "less-than-desirable" and imperfect ones!

Carla said...

I loved this post! So well written and you beautifully expressed something that few people "get" about the gospel and about adoption/ fostering. This crazy world of fostering and adoption has opened my eyes and heart to God's great love for us in so many ways.

Justine said...

Beautiful!

Alison said...

Exactly.

I have often thought that I really hope my feelings for Boogie aren't what my feelings for my first-born will be. I used to feel bad about feeling that way, but have come to realize that mostly it's because as foster-parents we have to put some sort of a wall up. I didn't take him into my home thinking he'd be here forever, so I didn't love him right away as if it were for forever. I love him VERY much, but there is a wall that can only come down with time- and adoption papers. :)

Endless Love ~ Amazing Grace said...

Great post!

Diane said...

Wow! Nicely said.

Kelly said...

beautiful post.

Debbie said...

Beautiful and inspirational post. I'm praying that God helps me to see my foster girls in this way for as long as they are my daughters.

Anonymous said...

Best post ever