Tuesday, January 3, 2012


Things are moving in a very interesting way when it comes to the relationship Lizzy will have with her bio parents.

At the last hearing they stopped any visitation she was having with the parents. Her lawyer called me afterwards and said, "I know you are friends with mom, but you cannot let her see Lizzy at all. I got the visits stopped because I had the social worker testify in court that they were detrimental to Lizzy. If you need to blame it on me, but she cannot see them."

Now, technically this does not include her bio dad who was not having any visit in the first place. BUT, my husband and I assume/know that the social worker, agency, lawyers and court would probably not want us having visits with her bio dad without their permission. So, after I got the phone call from the lawyer, we had to call Lizzy bio mom and bio dad and tell them that we would NOT be letting them see Lizzy while we were told not to. Period.

Mom was shockingly ok with this. I am sure she is kinda used to it and when she told her family about it she blamed it on Lizzy's legal dad. She told them that she was getting punished for what he had done and the court stopped both their visitation because of him. That is not true, BUT in a way it was. Lizzy's bio mom's visitation was able to be canceled because of her own actions...but, I don't think it would have even been brought up had all of us not been so desperate to stop the legal dad's visitation. She did not do anything to be able to keep her visitation, she rarely showed up for it as it was, but as far as it being detrimental to Lizzy...I don't think it was.

The visits with the legal dad were obviously detrimental to her.

As far as Legal dad goes, we have NEVER had any contact with him outside of the agency so we did not need to contact him about anything. We would have never let her have any contact with him if it were up to us.

And then there is Bio dad. We (by "we" I mean my husband) called him and told him what went on in court and that we would not be bringing her to see him while this was going on. He got a little argumentative with my husband and my husband told him that no matter what would would not do anything that would risk Lizzy being moved from our house. It was very annoying to me that he wanted to argue with my husband about this. First of all, he should be very concerned about Lizzy's life not being ripped apart AGAIN...but, he isn't. Secondly, he has made no effort to come see her in months so what is there to fight about? He wants to be able to see her when he wants to and I guess he didn't like someone telling him that that is off the table for now...even though he hadn't seen her in months when this happened.

This has put a huge damper on my opinion of him. I have been very compassionate towards him during this whole situation. I even called around to see if there were any (free) lawyers that would take on a case like his months ago. I did not find any by the way.

I have made efforts to let him see her when I knew it wouldn't get me in trouble, but absolutely did not have to let him see her at all. I would let him talk to her on the phone and would send him pictures of her...I was very nice. Then, the one time we have to "disagree" and he starts acting like a creep to my husband? I don't like that. I don't like that he thinks it is more important for him to see her once every 6 months and risk the agency getting mad at me and moving her than just making sure SHE is safe.

Also, Lizzy's bio mom's family called bio dad and told him that they got some paper work in the mail that said if he could establish paternity the state would give her back to him. Well, obviously I am 99% sure that paper work does not exist, but he acted like he was going to look into it (which is fine), but he hasn't at all. If he wanted her back why wouldn't he call someone and ask if it was true? Why wouldn't he look into it at all? Why wouldn't he do anything? It is starting to become clear how committed he is to her. MONTHS ago he bailed. He knew he wouldn't be able to see Lizzy much if he broke up with her mom, but he still did. He just "couldn't take it anymore". Well, guess what? LIZZY STILL HAS TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS. Quite frankly, I still have to deal with all of this. He got to move on with his life and I still had to drag this child to visits with a man and I wouldn't let TOUCH my bio child...even a hand shake.

So, I am a little over it. He calls or texts me about once a week and asks how she is. I am nice and write back. I even video taped her opening some gifts he got her before all this happened and will send him a DVD of it. But, I don't plan on telling him anything about this case anymore and I do plan on keeping the communication to a minimum until I see if he "gives up" or not. If he decides to quit pursuing a relationship with I am going to let him.

I'm kinda over it.


Cherub Mamma said...

I have "compassion fatigue" for you just reading this post. It's so draining dealing with these kinds of family dynamics.

Mie said...

As much as it sucks, I am glad that you are now at this place with bio dad. I don't know the guy but some of the issues you've brought up, in particular not fighting harder to get custody of her, have concerned mie as an observer. There is no way anyone would take my permanent kids from mie without mie fighting for them until I died. Period. Kids deserve that kind of parent. Lizzy deserves that kind of parent - the one that is there for her forever not just when it's convenient. It will be interesting to see how things progress as TPR continues.

StarfishMom said...

Ahhhh! That would drive me CRAZY!!! Sorry you have to go through this! xoxoxo Hopefully it's all over SOON!

Mary said...

It sounds like Lizzy's bio dad is much more concerned with HIS rights than with truly being a parent. I totally agree with how Mie described a true parent- "one that is there for her forever and not just when it's convenient". Bless you for your patience in such a complicated situation!

Endless Foster Love said...

Thankfully you and your husband put Lizzy first.....I'll never understand Bio's who do not.