Thursday, January 19, 2012


I have kind of been a pain in the butt to my agency. I cannot make up my mind about what kind/age of child would work for us right now.

At first I said "only babies" - which I got no calls for.

Then I thought that the only age that would work would be a girl between 3-4 yrs because...well, I HAVE a newborn on the way. (2 months to go!) So, I told them that.

About a month (felt like 2) after I told them about the 3-4 yr old girl theory they called me. They had a 5 year old girl that was in a foster home that was closing their license. Her brother has already been signed over to his dad (apparently not her dad) and her mom only comes to about half of her visits, thus, looking like she would be adoptable. THEN they told me that because of the severe neglect in her bio home she is in speech therapy because no one can really understand her, she is NOT fully potty trained, and is delayed...probably is around the developmental age of a 2 or 3 year old.

The first half sounded great-ish. The second half not so much.

I am so sick of older kids in diapers. If it's a baby I understand, but 3-4 year olds in diapers is starting to get to me. Lizzy included. I would say she is around 60% potty trained, but she is not moving forward because she wants to, it is because we are making her. Imagining a 5 year old in diapers is just more than I can bare right now.

I told the home finder that I didn't think I have time to put in the work this child will need to reach the developmental steps that she needs to start meeting, and I meant it. I also do NOT want to have to have another child move because I couldn't say no and I told him that too. If I can I will avoid that mistake. I HATE having kids moved.

So, that is the last phone call I got. This is foster care. That is a very normal call to get:

-Over your age limit

-Needing more help than you agreed to

-Needing to say no and not wanting to

The good part is that you can say no. You have to make sure you are willing to jump in and try to make this work, not let a child come to your home to see if it will work because having a child move should be even our last resort.


Unknown said...

Yes! I totally agree. We got called for a 3 and 4 year old sibling set but I know that would be too much right now!

FootPrints said...

Excellent advice!! Our agency only does babies 0-3 years! It's extremely hard to say no! Our agency has a rule that you're not allowed to see the baby till you say yes, or you just fall in love at the sight and forget all about their issues.

The Author said...

With our boys possibly being moved to grandmas next week, Im wondering what kind of calls were gonna be getting

aka. Mimi said...

It's DEFINITELY important to know your limits and not let yourself get talked into something (or in MY case, talk MYSELF into something ;-) that you have doubts about. It's better to say "no" up front than to TRY to make it work and have to disrupt the placement later. I learned that the hard way, and now I'm FINALLY able to be firm about what I can and can not do. It's better for you and definitely better for the kiddos in the long run.

Deb said...

I worry about us knowing our limits next time. We will be changing a few things next time but they know we're stretchable so we are going to have to be firm.

Mama P said...

We are learning to set our limits, but it seems we mostly get calls for everything BUT what our paramaters are; mostly sibling groups.

I can't believe you're open right before you are due! Do you have a "cutoff" for when you will just say no? What if you got a call for a child the night before you gave birth? (Can you imagine? LOL) Brave, brave, MamaFoster! We do not have the family/friend resources to be able to do something like that.

acceptance with joy said...

Imagine taking in 6 year old twins who refuse to be potty trained!

They are trained now.

Thank goodness. They are almost 8 years old now.

Was the hardest thing I ever did.

Anonymous said...

recently found your blog and love your honesty. Foster family here with 2 bio, one adopted and now fostering adopted sons bio brother. So hard to say no. I read over some of your older post. We have also had to stop an adoption from moving forward right before move in. After months of visits it is so hard, nice to read anthers thought and feelings.

Julie said...

It is so hard to say no. Understanding my limits has been a huge learning curve. Disrupted placements are not good for the kiddos or our family. It's hard knowing that your heart is big enough but all the other stuff makes it impossible sometimes.