Tuesday, January 17, 2012

After shock.

I never mentioned what happened after I got out of the court room on the day Lizzy's parental rights were terminated.

I got home and for a while it was quiet.

Then, I got a text from Lizzy's mom:

"So, what happened in court?"

I replied:

"I was told that I cannot let you or legal dad see her or talk to her on the phone or I will get in trouble. They did not reschedule the trial. They went ahead and had it today and basically you don't have to do anything because your part in this is over."

She wrote back:

"Bio dad is right, I am a bad mom."

I wrote back:

"You are not a bad mom. You knew that you couldn't take care of her right now and she needs someone who can."

That was the end of it for that day. When I read my first response to her to my hubby he started laughing. I was like, what? He thought it sounded pretty harsh. I told my sister and she thought it was putting it nicely...I was trying to be nice. I also didn't feel it was my place to say, "Your rights have been terminated", but maybe I should have...I don't know. I also am not really supposed to tell people about what happens to these people in court so I didn't tell her that they terminated legal dad's rights too. I don't know, I just said what I said.

Then Bio Dad calls.

He calls, asks what is going on and I kinda beat around the bush about it. Yet again, not my place PLUS...I don't think it is his business anymore. If he wanted to know what was going on all the time he should have stuck around, don't you think? Anyway, eventually he specifically asked if there was court today and I said yes. Then he told me that bio/legal mom called her aunts who in turn blew up his phone telling him he needed to call the court house because all he had to do was prove paternity and he could get Lizzy back.


I told him that FIRST OF ALL, none of those people, including bio/legal mom, were in court today. THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED because they weren't there and, as we all know, mom wouldn't even "waste her cell phone minutes" in order to see what happened. He then told me the names and phone numbers of the people the Aunts had given him. I told him that I had never heard of one of them and the other one was the social worker that originally had the case THAT ISN'T EVEN A SOCIAL WORKER ANYMORE.

He said, "Oh, that must be why she never calls me back."

I kinda of went on a rant about how he could look into anything he wanted BUT these Aunts were sending him on a wild goose chase that they knew nothing about. He went on a rant, not directed at me, about the system and how nothing is fair...same conversation that we have had like 50 times.

I am over it. I gave them ALL every chance...the chances have run out. I did tell him that the state was "terminating" both of their rights, mom and legal dad. I made it sound like it was in the process (which it has been for months now), I didn't say "They terminated them today".

I am not going to give people (legal or bio family) anymore information on this case. They have spent the last 2 years trying to give this kid to people who are obscure relatives to all of them. I actually ended up telling one of the Aunts that she needed to quit trying to give this kid to strangers just so she can "be with family".

I am SICK of people wanting these kids to stay with "family" so badly that they are willing to rip their lives apart AGAIN...and for what? I just don't understand.

A few days later I got a text from mom:

"Send me some pics of Lizzy"

which I ignored.

The next day I got a text from her that said:

"You can uh sen me some pic of Lizzy"

I texted back:

"Are you asking me or telling me because I can't tell"

She wrote back:


So I sent her a couple old pictures where Lizzy is pretty unidentifiable.

We will see what happens from here. She did say thank you, by the way.


StarfishMom said...

You're waaaaayyy too nice. No contact means NO CONTACT!!! :/

Bobbie said...

i'm sorry, mama :( --i agree with Starfish. however, i am not part of this situation and have no right to an opinion. i understand y u'r "being nice" till everything is final, so they don't try to get her back just because they are mad, but i don't want u to get in trouble either.

Robin said...

Have bio dad's rights been terminated too?

MamaFoster said...

i was told that that was fine so you guys don't have to worry about it on my end.

bio dad, from day ONE was told he is not part of this case and will not be recognized as a parent of this child. They told him in court that he "is no different than a stranger on the street to this child".

He has no rights to terminate and on paper work he has only been mentioned once as the "supposed biological father".

And yes, even with all of that being true, I still worry by some miracle he could have some standing in court even though they have never allowed it.

In court after they terminated on the bio mom and legal dad then NEVER brought him up at all and went straight into adoption talk.

Carol said...

Mama Foster, you are so very right that bio dad has NO RIGHTS AND NEVER HAS HAD ANY IN THIS STATE UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.So you can stop troubling your pretty little pregnant mind and emotions over that one.

Additionally, in this state after a foster child has been in a family for more than a year, those foster parents have first rights after the legal parents have been terminated. That stand has been strengthened in recent years with the thought that "where were you distant family member during all of this time? If you you really cared for this child you would have been in this case a long time ago."

MamaFoster said...

carol, you always make me feel better :)

Plexus Prosperity Pipeline said...

You're too nice!

Random question...do you think that once you adopt you'll change Lizzy's name?

MamaFoster said...

at first i thought i would only legally change her name but still call her what we call her (it is a nick name that goes with her current legal name), but now I think I will change her name legally to one that could have a nick name very much like her current nick name so it isn't too much of a change...very subtle.

I think she needs a new start .

acceptance with joy said...

Once the kids were ours I gave an obscure email address to bio mom so I could communicate with her about our once a year visit. She emails me every week asking for pictures and every few weeks or months, whatever I feel like, I snap one with the phone and forward it on. Each time she response with asking for MORE. Nothing is ever enough, but I can do this and it isn't on an email that anybody else looks up.

Cherub Mamma said...

I wish there was a balance The System could find for placing these kids permanently after they come in to care.

I'm with you -- obscure relatives shouldn't trump loving foster families.

Of course, this is coming from a foster mamma that doesn't want to see her babies leave. Granted...they will be going to a grandmother. But, this grandmother has had no contact (other than ONE 1 hour visit) since the children came in to care 7 months ago. These kids don't know who she is. Shoot - she didn't even send them a card at Christmas!!

I hope, for your sake, some of the craziness from Lizzy's family settles down quickly.

Kylee said...

My mom uses that same phrase with C and K when they demand things: "are you asking or telling?"

Sorry this has been such a rough road for you! Glad that most of it is now under control before your sweet girl makes her grand entrance!

Kelly said...

I would change my phone number and be done with them. UGH. They sound almost as crazy as my kids' bios. So glad Lizzy is free from them!! Fresh start for you and Lizzy. Ahhh.

the johnson crew said...


Stacey said...

I agree with Kelly. Lizzy is your daughter and you have invested everything in her, while the others have invested nothing. For all of your protection, you should change your phone number. Terminated in every sense of the word. You don't have to make any of them feel better. I know your heart is to be merciful but they'll play it!

CandCFamily said...

I'd change my number to, or slowly stop responding to the calls.
I am so lucky my youngest foster baby's parents are actually okay people, they couldn't parent. We still keep contact for now.

PotterMama said...

I'm so behind, so will you all be adopting Lizzie? I remember months and months and months ago you said you weren't. Wondering if anything changed?