Thursday, September 1, 2011


I have been playing "Mom" to Lizzy for 15 months now.

I kiss the boo boos.
I change the diapers.
I deal with the "behavior".
I get the smiles in the morning.
I buy her toys.
I take her to the beach.
I care for her, usually, 24 hours a day.
I give her baths.
I tell her I love her.
I teach her things.
I know what she likes.
I know what she doesn't like.
I take pictures of her.
I think about her birthday parties.
I am the one that is embarrassed when she acts horrible.
I know what size she wears.
I know when her bed time is.
I know when she is tired.
I know when she is hungry.
I fill her sippy cup.
I put her needs before mine.

Yet, she still asks to see them. She still asks to see *Insert her bio mom's first name here because that is what Lizzy has taken up calling her* and she still asks to see "papa", her bio dad that has given up on her and her mom.

It used to really bother me, especially with Sabrina, that even though I was mom to her EVERYDAY she was still bonded to this lady that only came and saw her once a week...if that. I am seeing the same thing with Lizzy, she is still bonded to them even though she doesn't spend much time with them at all. I do let her talk to both of them on the phone when they call so that keeps them in her mind I am sure.

It used to bother me...until I realized that that is the way it should be. I would hope (and am absolutely positive) that if you took my son away from me that even a year and a half later he would still love me and his dad. It is amazing and quite frankly beautiful the bond God puts between a child and their parent - and I wouldn't want that any other way. I want my son and our new baby to be automatically in love with my husband and I, especially since we are already over the moon for them. I want the same thing for Lizzy. I want her to have parents that she is just in love with...and she had them.

The problem with Lizzy's situation is that Lizzy's parents aren't holding up their end of the bargain, but she is still holding up hers. It actually makes me want to cry because I am 95% sure she will never live with them again...and I keep thinking how do I explain to her why they don't come see her anymore without making her sad all the time?

Here I have spent the past 15 months letting her call me "Mommy" yet every time her bio mom was around I would tell her that that was "Mommy". If I was her I would be so confused by now...that probably is why she is calling her mom by her first name now.

This morning she asked if she could see them and I told her that mom didn't come to the visit this week when we were there so she couldn't see her...and that papa just doesn't come anymore. You could see that it made her sad and it makes you wonder what it is telling her little brain...and heart.

"Why don't they come see me anymore?"
"Did I do something wrong?"
"Why don't they want to play with me?"
"Where are they?"

I just can't imagine trying to understand that when you are only 2 years old. I imagine that eventually she will forget if it all ends and she doesn't have any contact with them anymore, I guess I mean I think her head will forget, but I feel like the things that are being written on her heart are always going to be there. They are always going to affect the way she reads situations that come up as she gets older. I guess I mean, I worry that this loss will be a filter that she looks through for a long time, possibly forever, that I wish she never had to know about in the first place.


Carla said...

So sad and confusing for a little one. Breaks my heart that a 2 year old can remember that bond, but some parents can't.

Tammy (aka. "Mimi") said...

That's so sad. :( I've had a little bit different of an experience because most of my little ones have been VERY little. But even Little Miss (at 11 months old) missed her family. I still remember seeing pure SORROW in her eyes when she saw a man who I later found out resembled the grandfather who took care of her. It's heartbreaking!

Man... Now I feel silly that YOU write something so deep and meaningful today, and *I* decide to post about a creative use for men's underwear! ;-P)

Kylee said...

Yes, so, so sad. That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately: A child's connection to their biological parent(s). I guess one thing that drives me crazy is when adoptive parents try to mask or hide the relationship that kids will inevitably have with their bio's, pretending like their past doesn't exist. I went to an adoption conference last year and heard an adult adoptee speak. She was adopted straight from the hospital, yet still has a unique connection with her biological mother.

These children's past is very present in their lives. I don't think that means it needs to define who they are, but it definitely, as you said, effects the way life is viewed through their eyes.

Needless to say, my heart is beyond sad for Lizzy and for what a messed up world we live in...but yes, you're right, it's just as it should be...

Thank you for loving her and caring for her so faithfully. It is an encouragement to me, as I follow your journey!

Stacey said...

You love her well. Years to come, that will be her filter.

This is transparent and good.

j said...

It is so strong a bond that a parent and child have...but I can't say that it doesn't amaze me when that child was abused in one way or another by their parent...and they still miss them.

I don't get it...well, that's not true totally. Even if my mom had been abusive in some way, I can't imagine not loving her with all of my heart and missing her tremendously. No matter what.

I guess applying it to my own mom and life makes it more clear...but it's still WOW.

Diane said...

Neither my daughter nor my son ever had a bond with their moms, but yet they still asked for and about them as they grew older. Around 7 or 8 seems to be the hardest time, because each "missed" the mom they never really knew. It is very sad that the adults make bad choices, and the kids get stuck with the emotional droppings.

Learning to Parent said...

Thank you for posting this. Our 3 year old, who has lived with us for a year and 2 months and has been in foster care for a year and 5 months, still asks to see his mom almost every single day. Sometimes, he is sad after a visit that he has to come back to our house because he'd rather stay with his mom. It is a little bit heart breaking but I understand. At least in our case, it looks more and more like they will be going back to their mom so it is a good thing that he has remained bonded to her.

Pipsylou said...

The problem with Lizzy's situation is that Lizzy's parents aren't holding up their end of the bargain, but she is still holding up hers.

Wow...never heard it put quite that way but that is definitely the way it is.

kate said...

Didn't I read earlier here that there is a limit to the amount of time a child can spend with one foster family so that they don't get too attached? (I still think that is absolutely, insanely foolish.) I'm worried because it seems like Lizzie might be nearing that mark with you and have another abandonment.

Praying for permanency for her. Oh, Lizzie.

kate said...

Sorry--Lizzy. Not Lizzie.

amanda said...

I can so relate to this! I worry about this for our little guy too.