I married my high school sweet heart and 10 years later we are still happy and together. We made a beautifully perfect little boy on our first try. We started a business and I got the best of both worlds, staying home with my baby AND making money from home. We decided to become foster parents and I was handed the most beautiful little girl and fell in love with her instantly...
...and then month by month everything fell apart. Before this everything else had worked out in the way we had hoped it would so this should have worked out too right? If nothing else we should have been able to protect her even if we could keep her...right? Wrong.
Wrong. Wrong, Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Everything fell apart. Everything that could have happened in order for her to not be returned did AND SHE STILL WENT HOME.
16 months and now she has vanished out of our lives and we are left to do what?
Keep doing this? Things haven't gotten any easier. In fact, things seem to keep getting harder and harder with no end in sight.
I honestly thought this would end up like everything else in my life. It didn't and it sucks. The bubble has been popped and all of our fairy tail feelings about fostering to adopt have been ripped up and thrown in a huge bon fire along with everyone else who has raised a child for years only to have them thrown back into the mess they were "saved" from all that time ago.
I have dug through this ruble every day since she left, every day since deciding not to adopt Joseph and all I can come up with is that I do like fostering...I just don't like hoping to adopt when it isn't an option. I don't like watching my kids suffer, but I am happy to stand with them and try to bare some of it for them. I love them, I probably love them all too much and most definitely to a fault.
I never would have started this "just to foster". It has been so hard to watch our dreams of adoption crumble all around us. BUT regret...it doesn't live here. If you kick around the ashes you will see sadness, heart ache, strength, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness...but, not regret.
We are still waiting for the joy and peace to be a permanent figure in our memories as we look back at all of this...but it will come. Someday.
The day that she left my hope and faith was shattered. It is still very very broken, but it won't be that way forever. God doesn't work that way.