Friday, October 19, 2012

This isn't always easy.

I was going to start out by saying "Often in foster care...", but I am going to go with "Always in foster care..."

Always in foster care you are reaping the benefits of some one else's (usually) bad decisions.  This usually ends up looking like a child who has bad behavior in your home or bad reactions to, well, everything sometimes.

It has been wonderful to get to know our kids.  We love them.  That doesn't mean everything has been perfect.

Since the kids have gotten comfortable they have been trying things out on us.  One of which is, basically, the 6 year old boy acts like he doesn't like me and the girls act like they don't like my husband.


It is more or a push/pull type of thing from what I can see.  I feel like they are pushing us away to see if we really are going to stick know, because no one else has.

We finally have just point blank told them that they HAVE to be nice or they aren't going to get anything extra they ask us for.  For example, the 4 year old girl was ignoring my husband when he went to pick the kids up today.  He said hi to her, she ignored him.  He even tapped her on the shoulder and she ignored him. The ride home is an hour long and the kids all have video games they can play, but they have to share the iPod.  The 4 year old said to my husband, "Lizzy is getting to play lots of games", trying to get him to let her play, and my husband just told her flat out that she wasn't being nice so he wasn't worried about whether she got a turn or not.  He went on to explain why the way she acted was not ok and that was the end of it.  She was pleasant and normal acting the rest of the day.

When they arrived home all the kids were happy to see me except the 6 year old boy.  He totally ignored me even when I said hi.  I told my husband as the 6 year old scampered from the car to the house that he had completely ignored me and my husband called him back and addressed it immediately and told him he was not going to act like that.  That was the end of it.  I included Mr. 6 year old in making dinner and helping me and we had quite a bit of good interaction.

Baby steps.

Early on someone asked me "So, they aren't going to have those attachment issues right?" and I told them, "Actually, I plan on them have exactly the amount of attachment issues that they should have considering everything they have been through."

I HATE that.  I HATE that there is good reason for why that would be an issue for the oldest two.  I don't think they have RAD and I have had SEVERAL discussions with her about that issue and she doesn't think they have RAD either.

She has always said that you have to be careful or "these kids will run all over you".  And it's true.

I want them to be happy all the time and basically that is impossible.  They are excited to move in, but they are also loosing everything that they have known for the SECOND time.

That sucks.

We are committed.  We want them.  We love them.

But, it is going to take time to turn into a family.


Katelyn said...

I'm going to go out on a limb and say EVERY child who's ever been in the system has "attachment issues." it's a spectrum in my opinion. Not every case is reactive...but on some level there are issues with attachment. How could there NOT be? My mantra lately is, "I nevervsaid it would be easy, I said it would be worth it." Hang in there :)

Hope L said...

Just took my first foster placement of 2 siblings 7 and 10. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences here.

Stacey said...

I've been ignored and I have been their mother since conception. (Kidding...I think.)

You're doing great! Thanks for being so open.

Mommy Linda's said...

I agree with you about all kids in foster care having some level of attachment issues and Katelyn about there being a spectrum of attachment issues. I would guess that you might see the worst of it if they think that this is their forever home. There isn't much reason to push someone away that you know you will be leaving sooner or later, but if there is the expectation that your new mom will be the only one...