Thursday, May 3, 2012


Yes, I believe Lizzy has RAD like behaviors.

I hate typing that.

But, I do not believe she has least not to the degree that I am super concerned about it. I had a foster son that I believe with every fiber of my being has RAD...the kind that scares me. We did not adopt him because of this.

Lizzy is an interesting case. As much as her bio dad annoys me sometimes, she did bond with him thus, I believe, saving her from a much worse case of RAD. Had her only care come from her bio mom she would have had RAD even if she had stayed with her mom for her entire life because her mom is in capable of caring for a child, nurturing a child, or making much of a connection with any human being at all. Lizzy, in fact, was/is in love with her bio dad. She is moving on from this and it is quite obvious that she is transferring that to my husband.

I am extremely glad about this.

I, on the other hand, am reaping the benefits of her mother's actions. I am who she directs her RAD behavior at. I believe she wants to love me. I believe she was me to love her...but all she knows when it comes to a mom is disfunction. When I first got her she acted as if her bio mom didn't exist when they were in the same room. She really liked my hubby and acted like I was nobody for a while.

It is obvious that Lizzy is attached to me. It is just our interaction that is still dysfunctional. I think that I also have let some of my actions mirror hers and it is getting us no where and making me hate how I act towards her some days.

This evening I was holding my newest baby who I had just wrapped up in a blanket because she was crying. She has a hard time in the evening, so I try everything under the sun to comfort her. This evening, as it stormed outside, I stood in front of our large picture window and swayed with her while patting her back a certain way. She eventually closed her eyes. As I looked at her I thought to myself "That is what a mom does. She keeps trying until she finds what her child needs, what works for that child."

Often when I am holding Baby K my mind wonders to how I am parenting Lizzy. I want what I have with baby K with Lizzy. And I am not going to give up until I get it.


Jason said...

I am so glad Lizzy has you. Don't give up. - I can't help but think of my relationship with my son Preston. He melts my heart and makes me want to pull out my hair all at the same time. But he has come such a long way. You've got it... don't give up til you get it. You are amazing. - I just want to cheer you on!

Jason said...

Sorry, that was me, Janelle at loud songs of joy.

Unknown said...

One of the greatest gifts we can have is an attachment and image of how we should care for these kids is the one you gave. Not that it you have to have a bio child, but that willingness to figure out your baby.

I always wonder with my kids when they cried if they were just left to lay there. It breaks my heart.

So happy Lizzy has you. Be encouraged... you are what she needs!

Plexus Prosperity Pipeline said...

I think you guys have made so much progress! :) It's so much different with these precious kiddos, there's no rapport it makes it so difficult. You're doing an amazing job!

Have you read/watched anything from Karyn Purvis? In my opinion she's great, and they really push her in the behavior training I'm in....the kid's therapist always, says, "progress, not perfection." Look how much progress you've made since you first got Lizzy!!! It'll come together :)

Sophie said...

I can really relate to this post. My Delaney is so difficult for me. There are days I have to "fake it til I make it". It is so hard and I feel guilty about our relationship at times. At this point I am at a loss as to how to help her, if I am honest. She is so negative and has gotten into a habit of being hateful and sassy about every single thing. Then when I call her on it she writes me little notes and pours on the sweet until she thinks I am not upset anymore. She is always, "I love you..." then I found a picture today that she scratched my face out of. She is a mystery to me in so many ways. I really hope to have a wonderful relationship with her one day and I am not going to give up either. (But it is hard)

Allison said...

My 11-year-old daughter does suffer from RAD, so she may be different from your Lizzie. She latched on immediately to my husband, though to some extent, it was because she was more adept at manipulating men than women. She and I have struggled at building a relationship and I am hard pressed on any given day to tell whether or not she has any real attachment to me. I think that she does, but it's tenuous. Things have been more volatile since I started schooling her at home, in the sense that her close/intimate times with me are more frequent, as are the times when she is pushing away. This is movement and movement equals progress!

FootPrints said...

oohhh this one hit me deep and hard. i dont think my Daughter has RAD either, but definitely has certain RAD behaviors. sometimes when i can't connect with her i get so upset because this is the mother/daughter relationship i had envisioned! i am praying for you always.

Mrs. Bird said...

I was going to mention dr. Purvis too...hang in there :)

Cherub Mamma said...

There's something about just calling it what it is - so we can keep on therapeutic parenting. I don't think my cherubs are on the RAD spectrum. But I'm the course of parenting I do get these completely detatched deer-in-the-headlight moments. I have to stop and remind myself that i don't know why they are responding that way. I have to respond therapeutically instead of with frustration or anger. (BTW I totally suck at this 75.8 percent if the time.) You've come a long way with Lizzy. Hang in there!!

Unknown said...

Wow. This is awesome.

You know what? The moment I realized we couldn't adopt Baby Man was the moment I realized that when they were both crying, hands down I responded to Phoebe first.

It just was the way it was, and they were so close in age that I believed it wasn't fair to him.

I'm going to go blog about it now.

I love that you're going to work to get that!1