Played.

Yesterday I was in the worst state of mind ever.

I had made my husband call and tell Joseph's foster mom that we would not be adopting him and made him call the adoption worker too. I just couldn't do it. Well, the adoption worker didn't get the message and called me to ask how our visit went over the weekend (that we didn't have) and I ended up being the one to tell her and yes, it was as bad as I imagined it would be.

She was obviously disappointed, and in a round about way acted as if we should have known that we didn't want to do this and made it clear she wouldn't be calling us for anymore kids. Towards the end of the conversation she got nicer, but everything I was worried she would say she did. I lived through it and thankfully at this point in time I truly am not interested in THEM offering us any other kids either because I DON'T TRUST THEM. That ended up being the whole problem. We should have never even been offered this child let alone led to believe that his issues would "go away". The minute I started digging into everything everything that they had told just were "delays" started to be called "disabilities" and it was obvious things had been very sugar coated to say the least.

Joseph is a wonderful little boy and he does not deserve to be "marketed" like this. Who ever adopts him needs to know everything BEFORE they are one signature away from forever. I know that he will be a JOY to someone, we just are not ready to dive into the "what if's" of a child that we are already struggling to connect with.

Anyway, first I had that phone call, then, as you know, I called to beg Lizzy's social worker to make a plan for her transition. Our agency closes at 5 pm. I got a call at 5:05 pm from her worker telling me she doesn't think a transition is a good idea and she thinks we should just do the move..."unless we are having second thoughts."

I am pretty sure this is where I GOT PLAYED LIKE A FIDDLE. I think that she declined the transition period in hopes that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do that to Lizzy...and she was right. She told me to sleep on it and let her know in the morning. Lizzy was scheduled to be moved at 1:30 pm the next day.

I called my husband and was in the middle of asking him if he thought we should keep her as Lizzy hopped up on me and swung her sneaker covered foot into my face and kicked me in the face. As if her screaming the whole ride home from picking my son up from school wasn't enough to remind me of what I was agreeing to the kick to the face was that extra push I needed...to go ahead and agree to keep my Lizzy until she is returned to her parents.

I love this little out of control, whiny child. I am not sure why (j/k), but I couldn't bring myself to hand her over to strangers and then just leave her, crying I am sure. I couldn't do it. I was in the worst mood ever that day. Sad about Joseph, stressed about Lizzy, overwhelmed by other things that are going on in my life and the only thing that made me feel better was the idea of KEEPING her.

So, as of this morning it is official.

Lizzy is here to stay.

And I am enrolling her in daycare this week.

Alternate Title to this post: "With One Swift Kick to the Face She is Here to Stay"

Transitions.

This weekend I started freaking out about Lizzy moving, about her being scared, about her sleeping in a new place, about everything.

Today I called her social worker and the social worker's supervisor and begged (literally I said to them "I am begging you...") them to make some type of transition plan so that she wouldn't have to be scared. I left all of this on their voice mails so I am hoping to hear back from them.

I told them I would do anything, drive Lizzy any where, in order to get her acquainted with these people before I just hand her over to them. PLEASE pray they will see that this is what needs to be done in order to help Lizzy.

Words.

Sometimes there are no words.

There are no words to describe how horribly nervous I am to put Lizzy in a car with people she has never met on Tuesday and hope that she isn't scared.

There are no words to describe how heart broken I am that we decided not to adopt Joseph.

There are no words to describe how sad I will be when it is time for our newest girls to move.

Sometimes there are just no words.

Lost.

I will never loose my kids.

Because...
...they always, always, always...
...leave a nice trail for me to follow...
...to find them.
Thanks Tina :/

Tuesday.

Well, the big Exodus will begin.

Lizzy is being moved on Tuesday (if all goes as planned). I found out today from her social worker that she had found a home for her. So did Lizzy's bio mom and she is not happy. She wants Lizzy to stay with me and is mad that the social worker made me mad enough to go ahead with moving her regardless of what we decide about Joseph.

At the last visit I gave them this letter:

(you can click on it to make it bigger)

That was my last straw. It has been a very long time since I put what our family needed before what the state tells us we HAVE to do concerning these kids. If you decide to foster you basically sign your life away, you have to be willing to push right back (Rebecca!) and not worry about them moving the kids because realistically they won't. I know that I worried a lot about that with Sabrina. Now, because of everything that has happened I am kinda over it. They can ask me to do anything they want, I have to learn to tell them NO if it doesn't work for me.

Snow.

We were snowed in today.

It was nice.

Today Tina had a good day.

She is a prime example of a child that needs to be parented in a way that is tailored just to her. When I parent her like people who have kids with RAD parent their kids she does VERY well. I think that she falls into the category of "parenting children with past hurts", not necessarily RAD. It looks like RAD, but it is different.

I had to smile when some asked "So, you are only 27?" Yes, I am only 27. I have always been told I act older than my age. If I was to take a test on "how old I act" I am sure it would be in the ball park of 40. I am boring, for sure. And not into anything a normal 27 year old should be. Well, I like babies and that is about the only age appropriate thing I am into. I have an 8 year old so most of my friends are well into their 30's. Now that we are older it doesn't seem like such a big gap but I am usually around 6-10 years younger than anyone that is in the same circles I am.

It's just my life, I am used to it. :)

Friday.

Friday night my hubby and I went out on a date. A date like the kind we used to go on, you know B.K. (Before Kids). Our last date had had to be canceled because it was scheduled for the weekend of our puke-a-palooza and thankfully I had enough sense to cancel the baby sitter when the kids were showing early signs.

Anyway, back to Friday. We went out, dinner and a movie - just like when I was 17 and he was 21. We smiled and cuddled while waiting to be seated and laughed at stupid stuff. We sat and ate and didn't tell anyone to "Stop putting your feet on the table" or "Spot eating catsup with a spoon!" or "Eat with your face over your plate" or "Stop taking your sister's bottle"...anyway, it was nice.

As we walked into the movie theater I held onto his bicept and it reminded me of how much I still love him.

We have so much to think about. So much to decide. I hate "deciding" things that I THOUGHT had already been decided. We love our kids, every single one of them.

But, there are decisions that need to be made, issues that need to be address and priorities that need to be re-evaluated. Things have been getting harder and harder and haven't leveled out for a while now and that has been hard.

No matter how hard everything gets we are still the same 17 and 21 year old that fell in love close to 10 years ago. Everything in life is a choice. We just have to step up and make some hard choices.