Mourning.

I ran across a boat load of pictures on my cell phone of the last two foster kids that left our home who we had grown very close to.

I got them on Dec. 17 a year and a half ago. They were part of a sibling group, 2 boys 2 girls. When I got the call for them I said I "would love to take the two girls" and then promptly called my husband and asked "Can I have two little girls for Christmas?"

When I went to the office to pick them up (yes, with my agency I have picked up all most all of my placements from the office, they did not bring them to me) I was a little overwhelmed. I had Lizzy with me, who had actually turned 2 years old the day I picked up these girls, and was picking up a 2 year old and a one year old.

The one year old was SO adorable and SO SO SO small. She was 15 months old and fit best in 6 mo. old clothes. When I saw her in the arms of the worker I was in shock because I was expecting a 1 year old...not a child that looked like an infant. She was swimming in the 18 mo. clothes that had been put on her. She honestly looked like she might have been a "little person" or something.

The two year old was "normal size" and acted almost ferrel. In months to come I would find that she most certainly acted like no one had ever really cared for her or tried to teach her how to act at all.

They both had very little hair and were most comfortable eating pretzels and the two year old was constantly stealing the one year old's bottle. I eventually got the two year old her own bottle because her obsession with the bottle was driving me nuts and I could see when she was sucking on her sister's bottle that she still had the tongue action of a child that took a bottle.

For a few weeks both girls had digestive issues constantly. The one year old had very very hard poop that would sometimes have white in it. I experimented with her diet and found that if I either gave her soy milk or lactose free milk her bowels finally acted normal.

The two year old had massive explosions all the time. I think she wasn't used to having much normal food to eat. She would blow out her diapers every day and it was so gross. Eventually she got used to eating more than pretzels.

The girls were with us for 5 1/2 months. The one year old was just the sweetest, funniest little thing ever and we all were in LOVE with her.

We had a harder time with the two year old. She was very wild, fought with Lizzy constantly and acted crazy 90 % of the time. We would put her in a crib to sleep and she would climb out of it a bazillion times and scream and cry when we tried to make her stay in there. She would see a toy someone else had and scream immediately for it. She was a wild one. She had the best laugh though. I can still hear it. I haven't thought about that laugh in a long time.

My favorite memory of them is the Easter we had with them. We had gone on vacation at the beginning of April and had not taken any of our foster kids with us. Because of how odd the 2 little girls' case was we didn't know if they would be there when we got back or not.

Before we left I had bought all the girls easter dresses and in my heart was sure I would get to see all my sweet little girls in their matching dresses. We went on vacation and came home to all of our (very sick) little girls.

On easter I went crazy and got them lots of toys, these kids definitely did not need any sugar. I dressed them in their adorable dresses and cute little shoes and sweaters and off to church we went. I smiled the whole time because God had told me that He was going to give me that day. I knew after that it was only a matter of time before they would leave.

The girls' case was horrible. Basically, the girls were taken from their bio mom while they were all living in a homeless shelter. Mom was on drugs. As soon as the kids were taken bio mom ran back to the state that she was originally from, not our state. That turned everything into a complicated mess. Our state wanted to turn the girls over to the other state's foster care system...but they wouldn't take them.

On June 1st the girls had a hearing THAT MY AGENCY NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT. At the hearing our state told CPS to give the al the kids back to their bio mom because they didn't want to deal with this anymore. If the other state would not take the kids into foster care it was too bad. Mom had seem the kids once or twice in those 5 1/2 months and had had the opportunity too way more than that. She even came up for a hearing and had a visit scheduled that she flaked on. Our agency sent her money for a bus ticket (yes, cash) that she never bought and never came. The agency never got their money back and there were no repercussions for this.

Anyway, on June 1st I received a phone call telling me I had 4 hours to pack up the girls and bring them to the agency because they were being returned to their bio mom...who was never even require to take a drug test. I called my husband and he came home. I had been doing laundry all week so all the girls clothes were clean. It was very easy to pack. I sent them home with TONS of clothes, diapers, toys, ect...they had come with nothing. We spent our last two hours with the girls as a family. We went out to lunch and played at the park. I dressed them in adorable dresses for the last time and we took lots of pictures.

When the time came we took them to the agency. I put them in the social worker's car who was going to drive them down to the DHS office where mom waited. My girls, especially my little one, cried and reached for me to get her out of the car and take her home with me.

Worst feeling ever.

So they left. That was about a year ago. And we have never heard or seen them since.

I was told that the bio mom had gotten a ride with some friends and their was no room for the kids stuff so out of three duffle bags filled with stuff they only took one and the diaper I had packed them. I got all the other stuff back. I threw it in the basement and couldn't look at it for months.

That was one of the worst experiences of my life. One of my worst experiences in foster care.

And, no, I'm still not over it.